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killer_bribri [userpic]

Freedom.

December 20th, 2008 (04:59 pm)
okay

current mood: okay

I am not ungrateful, I know I have a wonderful life. My family is great, and they've always been there for me. I love my mom and my dad with all my heart, I truly do, but sometimes I just feel so trapped. I really want independence and I feel so behind. My parent's have had a lot of important issues to deal with, which obviously pushed my driving lower down on the priority list. I wish I could drive, I only have to take one more test to get my license. I'm just a nervous driver, I don't really like it, but I need to drive. I need that independence and experience. I love my parents to death, but I really want to be free. I want to strike out on my own, no matter how rough it is.

All that matters is that I can have some freedom to do what I want. My parents are the most over protective parents I've ever met. I love that they care about me so much, but they've raised me to be a smart young woman. They need to realize that they can trust me to make decisions, I'm not the typical stupid college student that smokes weed, drinks, and parties. I don't do any of that, never have, never will. I'm so glad that my parents are there for me, I'm SO glad to have loving parents, I am. However, I still want to be able to do what I want.

I want to be able to spend time with my boyfriend, especially when I barely get to see him. Soon it won't be such an issue, when I live there (in about one year) it'll be a lot easier to get started on my independence. I'm glad my family wants to move to Chicago too, because I honestly don't want to be far away from them, that's not what I want at all. I just want some freedom.

killer_bribri [userpic]

Seriously...

December 8th, 2008 (05:30 pm)


So, I'm at school right now and I am so fucking annoyed. Every little thing is bothering me, and I don't think being at school is helping. I was trying to look at my grades on the computer and this person brings in this little kid, and the kid keeps playing around on the floor and knocking into my chair. That would bug me normally, but it's ten times worse at this time of the month. I feel incredibly stressed out, like I really don't know what to do with my life. Deanna e-mailed yesterday asking me if I ever recorded those songs yet. I feel bad for not getting it done a lot earlier, but I've been so busy with school. I still want to record them once finals are over, I told her I would try. Still, deep down I don't know if I want to do it. If I really did become successful would the pros outweigh the cons? I really don't know. I'm still having trouble deciding.
 

I've felt like such a paranoid psycho lately, which is really not like me at all. I'm constantly worrying and obsessing. I keep imagining bad scenarios in my head. I don't know what it is, I feel distanced from everyone but I think it's all in my head. I don't know what my problem is, I know it's partly PMS but I am pretty stressed out. Like, little things that wouldn't bother me normally really do. If Kyle doesn't respond quickly to my text messages I get SUPER pissed off, and I know I shouldn't, so I wind up trying to stop talking myself in order to not start an unnecessary fight about nothing. Those are the worst, I can stand fighting about nothing, and getting all worked up. I know when he's busy it's because it's something important. I'm really trying to get a grip, but it's not easy.

I still get freaked out about what happened to Heather and Kat, even though I know how amazing Kyle is. I just don't want anything to ever happen to us. In my heart I know it would never happen, but sometimes I still get so worried. Being apart IS HARD. Not in the sense where I would ever want to give up, but in the sense that I can never get that comfort of seeing him. Talking a lot to him is really important to me, but sometimes I wonder if I expect too much.

On the plus side, Heather got transfered into a different class at SCI. She said it's way better, and that she actually finished everything today, and the chef is super nice. I'm so happy she's doing well and feeling better, it makes me feel a lot less stressed. I really couldn't focus with her feeling so down, because her feelings are incredibly important to me.

I feel a lot better writing this all out, even though it's not a very pleasant. I need to get my feelings out without anyone interrupting me, and writing is the only way to do it. Well, I better head off to philosophy, I'm not really in the mood to sit there for three hours. Hopefully it'll be somewhat interesting and put me in a better mood.

killer_bribri [userpic]

Kyle.

December 4th, 2008 (12:41 am)
lonely

current mood: lonely

Every night I feel the anxiety of being away from you, but I never want that to make you worry. I have learned from my mistakes, I'm never going to make the same mistakes again. I will never leave you, I promise. My life would be so awful without you, I don't know how I'd live. When I get sad it's not because I can't deal with this, no, that's not it at all. It's just that I miss you, and it's as simple as that.

Everyday I wish you could be with me in person. I want to laugh with you, be bored with you, and have fun with you.  I want to watch movies with you, I want to lay in bed with you on weekends and not go anywhere. I miss all your little mannerisms that I just don't get to see unless I'm with you in person. Someday I will be. Someday we'll be together all the time.

I will never leave you, for you are everything I could ever dream and hope for. I mean it when I say that, it's a promise that I wish I could express better. I only have eyes for you and my heart forever belongs to you. I'm tied to you no matter where I am, or no matter what's going on. You're always on my mind, and I'm always thinking about what we could be doing together.

I don't like when I get upset, especially when we're going to make some amazing memories so soon. I'm terrible at goodbyes, whether it's on the phone or in person. But, goodbye is not forever, although it can feel that way. I'll always have my memories with you. We have a very unique relationship that I cherish. I've literally known you my entire life, and most people don't know what that feels like. From the moment we promised to be together I knew I'd always need you, and that you'd need me too. It's sad whenever I have to walk away from you, because time is so precious. I hate to spend all this time away from you, knowing that we could be making so many memories in person. We had so much fun as kids, no matter how old we were. We always connected. Someday we'll make memories in person, for good.

Sometimes when you speak to me words won't come out of my mouth. When I get upset I have this very sinking feeling in my chest, and my eyes start to water. A lot of times I really try to hold back the tears, especially when I know you have to go. But I'm always left missing you.

It's natural that we fight sometimes, or even if it's not a fight we may get a little frustrated and crabby. Those times never get me down, because I always love you. You're never a jerk to me, you're always so understanding. I've never hated you, even in the midst of our worst fights. I will always love you.

I'm not afraid anymore, and I never will be again. I have you, and that's all I'll ever need to be happy. You are the epitome of chivalry. You're so caring, understanding, and loving. You make me feel like a princess.

I'll never leave you and I'll never stop loving you. That's a promise that I'm never going to break.

killer_bribri [userpic]

Thanksgiving.

November 25th, 2008 (06:05 pm)
bored

current mood: bored

 It's almost Thanksgiving! Yaaay. I'm so happy I have a week off, yet I'm not. I'm already getting bored. Eh, I still have other school shit to do online too. I'm just dying to get out of here. I can't wait to go to Chicago this winter, I haven't been anywhere since summer.

killer_bribri [userpic]

Christmas?

October 11th, 2008 (01:18 pm)
blah

current mood: blah

 Soo, what I'm hoping to do this winter is get out and use the full time of my break. I can't believe my break is actually a month now. I really want to spend it with one certain person, so I'm really praying that everything works out for the best.

I am getting so fed up with college though, and I really need to pass this semester. There's always so much shit around the corner, I can never think straight. It's just hard for me to stay on top of things I guess. College just really isn't for me. I don't want a career that college can help me with. I need to just get out there and work on my own dreams. I just feel like I'm wasting my life each day I'm there, and everyday I'm stressing out of my mind. I have a rough draft for a stupid paper due on Wednesday, that's going to be HELL to write. Living wills? I really don't care. It's too complicated of a scenario, and I really hate wasting my energy on it (especially when I don't have a good working computer with a printer).

I've missed some of my classes last week because I got sick. I'm on medicine now, so that's good, but I can't stand missing class either. It's so weird, it's like, I hate being there but I also can't afford to miss.

Last night me and Heather watched The Nightmare Before Christmas on DVD and it was awesome :) I love the special edition. I seriously want to go to Disney so bad so I can ride the Haunted Mansion with all The Nightmare stuff in there. I could see Jack :p haha.

 

killer_bribri [userpic]

Not enough TIME.

October 1st, 2008 (09:00 pm)
sleepy

current mood: sleepy

Okay, so you know what really has been bothering me lately? It seems I never have enough time to do anything. Before you know it something else is right around the corner. Like, you think you have three days to work on an essay but before you know it it's the day it's due. That bothers me, but what really bugs me is how I don't have time to write what I want. Epic fail! I'll get around to it this weekend, everything I want to say is just building up inside.

Today kind of sucked. I went to my sociology class earlier in the day, and that was alright. We watched the original Milgram experiment and then a more recent take on it. It was all about obeying authority figures, and how it can be a bad thing when the authority figure is unjust. It went into the whole issue of why people change in a position of power (it even happened with a college experiment). The Milgram experiment was trying to figure out why people wouldn't just say "no," to an authority figure if it went against what they believed to be ethical. Why would you hurt another human being, or become so evil, just because someone told you to? It relates to the Nuremberg trials because many who were put on trial for war crimes plead that they were just "following orders." It's interesting to think about. We'd like to think that if we were faced with a moral dilemma we would do the right thing, but you don't know until you're put in that situation. I don't think I'd follow orders with what I believe to be unjust authority, but maybe I would act differently if I hadn't become so aware of it by talking about it in class.

Later in the day I had such a bad tummy ache, so I didn't go to my english class which sucks big time since I only have it once a week. I've just felt so sick lately! I really need to rest more. Uuugh, test tomorrow in math. That'll be fun. God, it never ends.

killer_bribri [userpic]

Frustration.

September 28th, 2008 (03:22 pm)
anxious

current mood: anxious

 I seriously can't believe my mom is still in Illinois. I really miss her, and I think it's getting to me more and more each day. I understand that she needed her space, but now things are tougher than ever for everyone else. Pretty much all the responsibility is on my dad, he has to work and do everything around the house. Really, it's  a bit too much for one person, if I were him I'd be dead by now. There's no way I could handle all that, but maybe I just get frustrated too easily.

My mom's coming home on October 8th. That's twenty days she's been gone. She really could have come back sooner, even if the airline tickets were a bit more. I personally think she should have gotten a round trip ticket from the start, because being gone this long of a time is absolutely ridiculous. It's not fair to everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I know how much my mom does for our family, but she has to come back. My dad is ready to work things out, and I can only hope she is too and isn't holding a grudge, because that's not healthy. I know he's not, and that he misses her and always wants to hear from her. I only hope she feels the same. Nothing can really change between them until she comes back.

Of course her leaving had it's benefits. My dad and I have gotten closer, and he can cook really well. So we've gotten to bond a lot more, which is nice, and which wouldn't have happened if my mom hadn't left. It's nice to be talking to him a lot, and after hearing both sides to their stories I've lost my biased views.

I tend to take things very personally, so when my mom left I felt like she was sick of me. I felt like I was a burden or something, even if that wasn't the truth. It hurts my feelings, because I am very close with her, and when it seems like she doesn't want to come home I get upset.

Bleh, so in conclusion I'm just kinda numb right now. I'm not so angry anymore, but I am still upset and frustrated. Hopefully those feeling will completely go away once she comes back and things really start getting resolved.

killer_bribri [userpic]

Well, I MEAN...

September 25th, 2008 (07:29 pm)
happy

current mood: happy

 Well, I won't lie. I was inspired to start a blog because I saw Tracy make one, I thought it was a cool idea, haha. I haven't been writing for a really long time, I miss venting all my frustrations and ideas. With that being said, I'm going to start writing again. I really needed a new place to write online, so hopefully this will work out nicely :P

Also, today is my boyfriend's birthday! I can't believe he's 20. Honestly, I can't believe how old I even am. I don't think I'm ready to accept it. I want independence and fear it at the same time.

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